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1461 Days Without You

 


Cliffs of Moher - County Clare, Ireland

My sweet Liam,

     Another year has passed. It's been 4 years now and it still feels like it was just yesterday you were here with us, laughing and hugging. I am now in your room, using it as my office/craft room. Every time I walk into it I feel you all around me. If you remember, I was supposed to have the basement office we constructed before/during COVID but I am so much happier in your room surrounded by memories of you than I would be in that office. When I am in here it still feels like it's the Liam and Mom Show. Best buddies, always together. I am just over the halfway point as I earn my degree in political sciences and already feel incredibly burned out, it doesn't help that Trump and the GOP are once again in office running this country into the ground. But good news, Dad and I are heading to Italy on Monday for 11 days, it's almost our wedding anniversary.  Thirty years on March 10th. Kier and Sam just celebrated their 3rd anniversary. They've finally moved back up here to Wisconsin, they live in Madison, which is about 90 minutes north of us. And of course, McKenna and Nolan are still here with us, working, and saving up for college, for Nolan's graduation gift we took him to Ireland for 10 days from coast to coast and north to south. I took the picture above when we visited the Cliffs of Moher. I know you know all this already watching over us from the universe. I wanted to write this letter yesterday but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and angry at the universe for taking you from me. Honestly, I don't think those feelings will ever truly disappear. 

    Artemis is still the craziest dog in the house and Flynn is still the neediest cat on the planet. He still likes to find empty rooms in which he still sings in great lament, the song of his people, for everyone to bear witness to how much he suffers at the hands of the heartless humans who do not spend all day every day worshipping him as they {read: we} should. Luna still hides in McKenna's room. But we also have Piper, my cockapoo, that I think you would absolutely adore, and my rescue cat Clemmie, who would probably hide from you as she does from most of the people in this house. She's like Luna but even more introverted. Yeah, I did not know a cat could be more introverted than Luna but Clem is a testament to that very possibility.  

    This year the letter to you contains some levity, compared to years past it might show that I am starting to hurt less but the truth is the opposite. The pain, regret, frustration, anger, and anguish are still front and center, I am just stronger than I used to be. Time has enabled me to toughen myself up long enough to push levity and lightness through the darker feelings, albeit temporarily. I can't stand reading posts from other A-T families, whether their A-T kid is alive and doing well, alive and struggling, or has also been freed from the vile hands that A-T uses to hold them down and back like it did to you. It hurts too much and I cannot allow myself to join in on their bday wishes or prayer requests because of the anger and desperation that will never go away. I am the anecdotal open wound when it comes to A-T, never quite scabbing over enough to completely heal. There is always a searing pain that leaks through the open peeling edges of the wound. I want to be there to support those A-T families and friends we have made over the years but I find myself unable to force myself to allow more of that pain to bleed into my life. It's the same reason I refuse sad movies or books. I still cry in the shower, and it is still brimming with heartbreak and ugly crying. I only allow the misery to break through there, where no one witnesses my weakness and vulnerability. 

    I still sleep with your blanket and pillow every night. They no longer smell like you but they are in my arms every night and they bring me comfort. McKenna still has Beary in her room and sleeps with him regularly. Even your brothers have little trinkets and pieces of you in their rooms to keep them company on dark days. You are desperately and deeply missed every second of every day. You are our joy and sunshine and your heart guides us in all of our lives. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of you or miss you. Where we don't wish we could hug you with the biggest squishiest hugs imaginable, that would inevitably result in the ability to hear the world's best donkey laugh. 

    I love you so much, my beautiful boy, we all do. 


Love,

Mom

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