What 2021 Taught Me

Usually, at the end of a year, I like to close out the year w positive thoughts on our experiences through the year.

This year I learned that grief can bury one alive without a single grain of actual dirt.  I learned that grief can leave one feeling as though one can't take even the smallest of breaths in even the cleanest of air.  I learned that humanity can really disappoint & disgust.  I learned that when the chips are down there are so many people who choose selfishness over their fellow man, woman, or child.  I learned that a lot of Christians don't actually understand what Christ stood for.  I learned that bodily autonomy & the rights of females (assigned female at birth) who are already born & living are not as important to them as the collection of cells that a female, assigned at birth, carries within.  I learned that even if you aren't the majority you can destroy democracy just by spreading fear simply by telling as many lies as you can.  I learned that for the first time in my life I am not proud to be an American.  I'm not proud to live in a country that is the laughingstock of the world. I'm not proud to live in a place other, both behind us & far more advanced than us, countries look to, to learn what NOT to do in order to avoid becoming like my country. I also learned some humbling things.  Such as, I am not as understanding or  educated as I should be when it comes to people of the BIPOC community.  That I have so much more to learn before I can even slightly consider myself a true ally to any of the people that have actually been oppressed in the world.  My education growing up was truly whitewashed & very one-sided. I learned that there are a lot of people who refuse to see the nose on their face even with a spotlight shining on it.  I've learned there are people who refuse to change or admit wrong & try to do & be better, even when they know it's the right thing to do; either out of fear, selfishness, &/or stubbornness.  And I learned that even in the midst of all of that, I can still find my smile. I can still find my laugh.  I can still find kindred spirits. I can still find compassion.  I can still find forgiveness & give forgiveness.  I learned that I can do better & be better.  

Today, on the first of January 2022, I sorted through the last of the items in my son Liam's room.  He should've turned 20 this year but instead his ashes sit on my mantle next to a picture of him. Before I sorted through the last of the items, I got up early before anyone else, and just sat in his room, in his recliner & just spent some time in there sobbing & talking to Liam. Telling him I'm sorry I couldn't do more. Telling him I'm sorry I couldn't protect him. Telling him I'm sorry I couldn't save him this time. Telling him how much I miss him. Telling him that nothing is the same without him. Telling him that over the last 10 months & 6 days that... Every. Single. Time. Anybody asked me if there was anything they could do for me or bring me? All I wanted to do was scream at them, at the top of my lungs, "I JUST WANT MY LINUS, MY BABY, MY LIAM BACK!!! And until you can do that just leave me alone!!!!"  I didn't do that though, I was polite & thanked them. I know in my mind & in my heart they mean(t) well & they just want to alleviate the pain but there really isn't anything anyone can do for me.  Honestly, I am perfectly capable of getting myself anything I might actually need.  There truly isn't anything for me to want. I'm good.  I'm fine. Physically, spiritually, I am just fine.  But my heart is broken & it literally takes my breath away sometimes how much I still hurt inside.  Moms aren't supposed to out live their kids.  And even though we have known for the last 15 years that he wouldn't be with us long it still feels like a shock.  It still feels unreal. It still feels extraordinarily painful.  Nothing feels as real to me as that pain & anguish & heartbreak. 

And this leads me to the last thing I learned this year... I learned that I am pissed off that the last 18 months of his life, he was trapped in the house with us.  Unable to leave & be among his peers at school or experiencing as many things as possible & finding as much joy in life as he could, because of the pandemic.  Because people refused to wear something so simple & easy as a mask, to social distance, & do the least little thing they were asked to do, you know "be of service unto their fellow man".  It seems like such a simple thing...but apparently it was too much to ask of the general population.  They were too busy screaming at everyone about their rights, completely ignoring the rights of the rest of us, to be bothered to just do the right thing! Bunch of selfish bastards! So, to all of you asshats out there, YOU are the fucking problem! YOU are the asshats of the universe! I hold all of you responsible for the lousy quality of life my son endured his last 18 months.  FUCK YOU!!  I can forgive you, but I will never forget what you did & are still doing. So yeah, I stick with my assessment, FUCK YOU!!!  And I hope when you get to heaven God rips you all a new one for your selfishness & cruelty.  I'm not perfect in any way shape or form but at least I try to be kind & loving & supportive of those around whether friend or stranger.  You can't even be bothered to do that.  You really did not understand the assignment that the Savior gave us all.  

So there ya go... out of everything I learned this year, the thing I have discovered I actually like is the ability to tell those who piss me off what I think of them, without giving a flying fuck what they think of me in return.  Life is too short to tiptoe around all the bullshit. I learned I have opinions, strong opinions & that when someone tells you they did their 'research', they mean they have gotten their info from Facebook or a friend, a co-worker, from an aunt or cousin or uncle or their parents, who said...  Or maybe they just watch Fucker Carlson & all the grifters & con artists from Faux News, OAN, the GQP, etc...  The ones who scream against the efficacy of a vaccine that has already saved literally millions of lives across the globe all the while they are all vaxxed themselves.  What a perfect example of the hypocrisy & mendacity of political parties.  All the parties suck & need to be abolished. I can give you all the stats & charts from the CDC, the WHO, from John's Hopkins, from the Federal Government, & I have, but you don't believe it, you scream at me of conspiracy & how they all lie to us, yet you don't even realize how crazy you sound as you dismiss the documentation but believe everything you hear from the above mentioned Faux news etc...  You are the reason grifters & con-artists are so successful, you keep them in business you dumbasses.  I swear I want to smack you all upside the back of your collective heads & tell you, "Snap out of it!"   Sorry but I believe the Drs & specialists who have literally dedicated their lives to the study of virology, biology, & the scientific process over the uneducated & their second hand 'stories' or FB news.  But you do you Karen.  

I have never been one to really like resolutions, very few people at all actually stick to them. So you won't find some 'copy & pasted' list on here from me.  And I don't put any stock in the new year, better year crap.  Just because it is a new year doesn't mean I expect anything to change in our reality while there are still so many selfish people in charge.  I pray for the future of this country. But I also know you can wish in one hand & shit in the other and I bet you can guess which one will be filled first.  

So good luck in 2022.  Me personally, I'm just going to continue taking it one step at a time, one breath at a time & focus on me & mine & what we can do to help make a difference for the betterment of all mankind & not just ourselves.  You may be saying this post isn't like your usual upbeat cheerful look at the bright side of life. And you are right. IF you even made it this far.  Which I doubt.  If anyone even reads this blog anymore.  Yes that's entirely my own fault, as I haven't posted since Liam passed.  I've tried a few times but just couldn't focus on it long enough to actually complete a post.  But IF you made it this far you have learned something too.  You learned that this year has been extraordinarily challenging for me, you can assume I'll eventually get back to being me, you can chalk it up to depression, or trauma...and certainly there is some merit to these options. But I really think losing Liam may have just given me the impetus to finally just stop pretending that everything is perfect when it really isn't.  I've always said, I am who I am all the while holding back the darker parts of my psyche. But I'm almost 47 years old & I've buried both of my parents, a brother, & now my son & honestly I'm just too tired to give a shit what anybody thinks of me, except me.  This is who I am now. 

Jes