We made it through the first year. I say that as if at the end of the first year all the pain & heartbreak magically ends. It doesn't. Grief isn't that simple nor is it linear. You will go through the grieving process many times. Every time I see his picture on the wall in our home I stop & talk to him. "Hi baby, I miss you so much, I love you." Shower crying still happens. I still beg God for it to all be a bad dream, that I'll wake up & he'll still be here. I still want him back in my arms. Alas, those wishes never come to fruition. And the pain starts all over again. The truth is that no matter how much time passes I will always miss him & want him back. My heart has a giant hole right in the middle where Liam is supposed to be, he took it with him when he passed.
It amazes my everyday that it has already been a year when it feels like he left us just yesterday. Just yesterday I held him in my arms & snuggled him as he took his last breath. Just yesterday we came tot he realization that there was nothing more the doctors could do for him. Just yesterday I brought home my son in an urn. How is it possible that it has been a whole year?!?!
And at the same time it feels like an eternity since I was able to hug him & hear his laugh & smell his smell & tease him. An eternity since he told me he loved me. An eternity since we watched a movie together all snuggled up in the big recliner. How does time accomplish this? How does it trick you into feeling as though no time has passed & yet all the time passed? It seems wildly unfair & even cruel.
Liam ... just his name brings me pain but it also brings me smiles. I miss that kid so much.
The year of many firsts. Painful firsts. The first Easter without him, the first year we didn't get to celebrate his birthday with him. He would have been 20 in 2021. The first Mother's Day without all my kids gathered around me giving me snuggles & loving on me. Which hurt the most because he was the best Mother's Day gift I ever received as he was born 6 days before Mother's Day. My first birthday where I just wanted to crawl in a hole & be left alone. First Halloween where he didn't help me hand out candy. First Thanksgiving he didn't ask for 'rotten eggs'. First Christmas he wasn't here to ask for train paraphernalia or Minecraft games & I didn't get to tease him that he didn't get a bunch of emeralds. It was a running gag for us. First time I hated the word anniversary. There has to be a specially created word for the one year mark after you lose someone so precious.
Not to mention the million & one times I turned to tell him something he would love to see, know, smell, taste or laugh at only to remember that he wasn't right next to me to share those things with anymore. That he never would be again. All the times that something reminded me of him.
I'm doing okay though all things considered. I spent the better part of a year crying & over eating to comfort myself. I don't have many vices. Food is my vice. I love food. And the cheesier, saltier, more fattening the better. Homemade Mac & Cheese is my #1 comfort food, followed very closely by homemade fettuccini alfredo. Carbs & dairy? Yes please! Needless to say I put on even more weight this year as a result & now weigh my absolute heaviest ever.
But it's okay, I have just recently joined Weight Watchers & I'm proud to say I am already down 13 lbs. I know I'll never be super skinny but I can get healthier so that I can be here for my husband & my kids. They have been through enough. It's time I put myself back together. Liam, my beautiful boy, would want me to take care of myself & he would want me to move on. So I am trying.
I have so much love surrounding me. From my wonderful, loving husband, to my great kids, to my extended family & some really great friends. Not to mention my adorable dog & cat. I'm surrounded by love & support so I know I can do this put myself back together thing. It might not be easy but it is possible. I realize I am very lucky. And I am so grateful.
I'm considering going back to school. The problem is I can't decide what my BA should be in; US History, English, or Political Science. Once I decide that my Masters would be in Library Sciences so I can become a research librarian. But I won't lie I am scared. I have been putting it off for forever because it has been a really long time since I went to school, I've been a mom for the last 20+ years & I'm afraid of failing. I won't lie I am also afraid of group projects. LOL Being as socially anxious as I am now, the idea of having to work with strangers on a project is terrifying. It's funny but sad.
My point to this whole post is that time moves on. SOmetimes slowly & quickly all at the same time. I am trying to go slow & continue to allow myself to heal. For so long it was the Liam & Mom show & I am still learning how to do it on my own. It's scary & lonely but I am slowly taking it step by step. Hell it's been almost 30 years since my mom passed away & I am still healing from that. I wish she was here to help me get through this.
So, hug your family & your friends & tell them that you love them & appreciate their presence in your life.
Sending you all love virtually.
Jes
PS
Sending all my prayers to the people in Ukraine tonight. I pray all the insanity ends soon.
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