Journaling Liam

Liam's final message, 
I Love You

*Warning* 

The following is not for those who cannot handle grief &/or raw emotions & does contain a few swear words. 

February 2, 2021

This year just gets harder & harder.  For the first time in 5+ years, Liam & I are once again in the hospital.  After the New Year, Liam started having a harder time breathing & he was choking more easily when he swallowed.  We talked with his pulmonologist who was worried about infection so he prescribed a 6-day Z-pack.  He also asked us to up the breathing treatments to every 4 hours to help clear secretions & to keep him informed on Liam's progress.  He seemed to get better, had fewer secretions but he was still choking easily when drinking & eating.  We started virtual speech therapy, tried thickeners, & other tools to help him choke less but nothing seemed to work consistently. Both myself & the physical therapist noticed he was starting to breathe harder & faster as though he was panting.  It seemed like he was starting to feel the effects of the almost year-long stay at home we'd endured.  A little depression & definite signs of anxiety.  Yesterday he said he was having a hard time breathing so I grabbed his pulse-ox monitor to check his oxygen levels but his saturation levels were in the high 90's he was fine.  I told him he was having a panic attack & showed him the monitor so he could see he was fine.  We did a breathing treatment & he calmed down.  He was fine all day except he really didn't want to be alone, having anxiety myself I can relate, so I hung out in his room all day; we watched movies & chatted & of course snuggled.  Then he started having another panic attack around 5 so I grabbed the pulse ox again & once again his oxygen stats were completely healthy but then I looked at his pulse rate just below & it was in the 140s!  I thought no way, this has to be wrong maybe it's broken.  So I put my ear to his chest to double-check & sure enough his heart rate was beating really fast.  I called the after-hours nurse for our GP & she said to get him to the ER. After several hours in the ER, including chest x-rays & CT scans it was decided he has an infection, his white count is over 1400 due to aspiration pneumonia, he has fluid in his lungs, the infection is causing his heart rate to speed up.  But his blood pressures were fine & his oxygen stats were still healthy.  He's tested negatively for COVID-19 as well.  But they are concerned because his platelets are up over 800,000.  They should be below 500,000.  It could be because of the infection. But to be safe they are ordering ultrasounds to rule out blood clots & to check his liver & his gall bladder. We've been moved to the regular floor & we'll take it day by day.  It's 3am right now.  I'm going to try again to go back to sleep.  Wish me luck.  -Jes

February 3, 2021

The results from his ultrasounds show he has no blood clots, thank the Lord, but he does have fatty liver disease. The likely culprit behind that is probably the formula he gets for his tube feedings. It can be hard to digest the fat & sugar content, especially, if you have to be on it regularly & for a long time. I'd switch to another healthier organic formula but insurance won't cover that & he gets 4 360 ml bottles of it a day.  It's not cheap for the stuff that is covered, the healthier stuff is twice as much.  Because of his platelets being so high, the myeloproliferative disease I talked about here is the likely reason behind that &/or a reaction to the infection he is fighting, they want to do a bone marrow biopsy once he gets stronger, in a day or two, while we are still here in the hospital. He's on 2 strong antibiotics & an anti-fungal for aspiration pneumonia, time is the most important for healing from aspiration pneumonia.  He's got a swallow study, w barium, scheduled for tomorrow.  I'm exhausted! It's impossible for a good night's sleep in the hospital & I'm not allowed to use his bathroom so I have to use the public bathroom. I have been using his bathroom sink to wipe myself down with washcloths nightly, it's nowhere near as good as a shower but it will have to do.  PD brings me clothes & snacks & LeShel brought me Panera for lunch today.  I'm so blessed with amazing friends.  My anxiety levels are going up more each day.  May have to talk to Dr. Karls about that once we get home.

February 4, 2021

Liam's swallow study was fascinating to watch but also painful.  He had the hardest time sitting up for so long & being squished between the machinery & the wall.  It's just a video x-ray so he has to have the special plate beside him with the x-ray machine on the other side both of them close.  He felt extremely claustrophobic & he was so tired.  I just kept cheering him on, telling him he could do this, to breathe, to listen to my voice, to fight  & reiterating again that he could do this. I'm almost positive he would have broken down but I told them not to be nice to him, he's too much like me in that way.  If you are nice to me when I'm on the edge of a breakdown my brain feels safe & I can't hold back the tears, in short, we both breakdown.  But if you tell me to suck it up & are "stiff upper lipping" it like you need me to then I will get through.  The results aren't good.  He's been labeled as "Severely Impaired".  They are saying it would probably be better that most if not all of his nutrition came via the tube feeds rather than by mouth.  If he does eat by mouth then he has a strict guideline of what is safe & what isn't.  Basically, he'll never be able to drink a simple glass of ice water again. I want to scream & cry!  Just one more thing his body refuses to let him have! God, I hate AT!!!!!  

February 5, 2021  

He's doing much better today.  Still has a high heart rate but they want him to see his GP to get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. We have better machinery at home, meaning 'newer' than they have here for his breathing treatments so they are sending us home w Augmentin. And telling us time & antibiotics are all he needs.  The rest is up to him.  I'm ecstatic to go home but like Liam, I am also nervous to go home.  

February 9, 2021

It's been a long weekend. We talked to the GP & she started him on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds, as well as Xanax for the acute panic attacks he's been fighting.  He won't let me leave him alone, so I'm in his room 24/7, except to go to the restroom & shower. At those times, PD or one of the kids hangs out with him.  I'm tired, sleeping in his recliner is not my idea of comfortable, plus I'm up with him every time he has to use the commode next to his bed or when he has a panic attack to keep him calm & give him his medicines. But I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sometimes I crawl onto the bottom of his bed & just rub his legs or let him hold my hand sitting on the floor next to his bed.  Human touch seems the best at calming him down. We're watching The Flash on the CW.  He says, "I don't know why but the Flash calms me down." We're on season 1, thanks to Netflix.  It's a cute show & I am so happy to sit & watch it with him.  He loves to explain what is happening to me & answer all my questions.  And I love listening to him go on & on about his hero.  This.  This right here is why I am so happy to not have a job.  Every time PD suggested I get a job over the last couple of years because Liam was doing so well & didn't need me as much, I'd remind him, we don't know when Liam will get sick again.  I'm not reliable, but I never minded because I LOVE being at home for my babies.  It's not for everyone & all those moms that work amaze me. But for me personally, I have to be here. I'm hopelessly addicted to my kids & I LOVE that I can be here for them whenever they need me.  I LOVE that Liam, that all of them really, know they are my priority. 

February 14, 2021

McKenna climbed into bed with Liam & taught him how to play Among Us on her tablet & his. Such a precious memory.  I love how his siblings love him so much.  They drop anything & everything for this funny loveable dude!  Listening to his donkey laugh is my favorite thing! 

February 16, 2021

Today was a hard day.  Lots of panic issues & he was so tired.  One day up, one day down.  Loki laid on the floor next to his bed today & that seemed to help.  As well as a couple of naps.  I wish I could do more than just medicate & hold his hand.  But I'm glad I am able to do both of those things. Does that even make sense? IDK I am so tired. My back is killing me because of sleeping in his chair. But I'm not going to complain because this kid never complains & I don't know how he does this. 

February 17, 2021

Today was better.  He got into actual PJs (top & bottoms)! And then he got into 'Ironman', his powerchair & sat in the front room playing Epic Mickey with McKenna for a couple of hours.  By the time we got back into bed he was getting seriously nauseated so we medicated again & it took an hour to calm down his anxiety & stomach. He threw up which helped too.  Then he slept for about 3 hours.  Poor kid just sitting in a chair playing video games wiped him out but once again listening to the donkey laugh while he played with his sister & his smack talk made my whole day! 

February 21, 2021

He's been hanging in there. He was well enough to take a real shower today, with no panic attack! It was awesome!  He loved it! While he did that I changed his bedding & cleaned up his room.  Felt good to air it out a little, by air it out I mean vacuum & take out the trash & spray air freshener, it's still too cold to open windows, with the 3 ft of snow on the ground.  Of course, once he was back in bed he was exhausted but it was a good exhaustion.  He even asked for some chocolate pudding. Since it's nice & thick he is able to eat that & he actually ate the whole pudding cup.  Way to go Liam! 

February 21, 2021 (again)

This day started with such promise. I'm in tears! After Liam ate the pudding & then took a 2-hour nap we were watching Trollhunters (around 2) & he had a bad coughing fit. Dammit!  I looked over & he was choking again.  As near as we can tell he coughed up a big bunch of phlegm which hit his uvula & triggered his incredibly sensitive gag reflex & he threw up all the formula he'd been getting all day long. Once he threw up he then aspirated all that vomited formula! His oxygen sats dropped down to 66 & I gave him his rescue inhaler to help but I couldn't get his sats up past 80.  He was starting to tinge blue. While I helped him breathe & continued to catch the vomit that came up from coughing so hard PD called the pulmonologist & he said he has to go back to the ER ASAP! That he's most likely aspirated a lot of vomit this time & they are the only ones who can help him.  

When we got there his heart rate was in the 170s & his oxygen was still in the 70s.  They put him on oxygen which helped bring his sats up but his pulse rate & blood pressure were both extremely high.  His respiration rate was 70-80 breaths per minute!  Basically, his heart & lungs were going as fast as though he was running a marathon! There was no way he'd have been able to keep that up long term.  And time was of the essence or he was going to have a heart attack or stroke. Not to mention his CO2 levels were really high, meaning he isn't breathing out the CO2 like he's supposed to. It's just collecting in his blood.  There was no other choice that they could think of except to put him on the ventilator.  This means, today I watched my son have a tube shoved down his throat.  It was awful, absolutely terrifying & horrible. I sobbed quietly in the corner of the room because I was afraid they'd try to make me leave him & that was not happening!  But the whole time I just kept thinking AT kids don't come off vents.  And that I may have just signed his death warrant.  I kept thinking this is it.  I hope & pray to God I made the right choice for him but I can't help but wish I knew he would be okay.  We've been sent to the ICU now. Please, Lord, I am begging you don't take my baby,. Please. I'm not ready.  I am so scared!  I just keep praying.  They've got him sedated but not completely, he can hear me talk to him, so I have to continue to hold it together.  I need him to keep fighting because he is stronger than I could ever hope to be & without him, I am not sure I can make it through this. 

February 22, 2021

Today Liam was stable because he is still on the vent.  Now he has a fever, 102.  He also tested positive for MRSA in his nares (nostrils).  So he's on the strongest antibiotics they've got & antifungals again.  As well as fentanyl & propofol to keep him sedated.  I know he can hear me because I'll ask him to open his eyes & he does albeit briefly & I get to see his beautiful blue eyes.  He also shakes & nods his head when we ask him questions.  Occasionally, he squeezes my hand & will give me "I love you" fingers.  I just keep telling him how strong he is & how much I love him. At one point the sedation wore off a little too much.  We were trying to shift his position so they had untied his restraint & if I hadn't been paying attention, he'd have ripped the tube right out of his mouth/throat. They upped the sedation just a little more. But mostly he's where he was when he got here. His pulse rate has come down due to sedation & his blood pressures are much better. But they are having a hard time getting him to calm his breathing & he is fighting the machine.  They keep raising & lowering the settings on the vent. The problem is his lungs are full of fluid & because of the massive amount of fluid, they keep telling me his lungs are stiff.  Dr. Shwarma said it's like trying to put air in an already filled water balloon.  They just can't expand any more than they already are. That visual helped me to understand what they were saying.  They just keep saying it will take time.  That aspiration pneumonia is really hard to clear up.  Time & antibiotics.  Basically, it's between Liam & the Lord.  While they wrestle this one out I sit here a raw bundle of nerves.  

Everyone keeps asking what they can do for us & honestly IDK. PD is working from home, thank God, so he has the kids who are doing school virtually. And everyone is capable of feeding themselves.  Mostly I need prayers.  I need hope & sadly I feel like my hope, much like time is running out on me.  I'm trying to keep it together but it isn't easy.  I'm genuinely scared.  

February 23, 2021

Today a care package arrived for me here at the hospital from a fellow AT family in Texas. Full of snacks, socks, a blanket, vitamins, gum, etc...  I cried.  I was so grateful.  It was so sweet of them.  Other than going to the cafeteria once a day to stock up on food I don't leave this room.  I can't leave him. I just can't.  What if that in the 10 minutes I'm gone from the room he wakes up & needs me or worse he lets go & I wasn't here for him!?!?! Either scenario would kill me. And I live in all the possible scenarios right now. When I do close my eyes for bits & pieces at night my mind is filled with nightmares.  Literally. I see his death every time. I see it, feel it, & I want to scream from it.  I called Dr. Karl's office & had them get me more Xanax. It's helping me, it isn't stopping it entirely.  There are moments when I can't stop shaking from fear. But if Liam can do this then so the hell can I!!!  I will not let him down when he needs me most.  There will be time enough to fall apart later.  Not that I ever do once the crisis is passed I usually am so grateful I don't break because I am so happy to be through it & on the other side.  I want to be on the other side & both of us back home right now!  

February 24, 2021

More of the same. I wish there were better news. Well, there is some actually.  The ICU nurses who have been so supportive & caring have taken pity on me & allowed me to use the central shower they use for patients in the ICU. It felt so good!  They've all been so helpful & supportive! Even putting up with my loud voice as I read Fablehaven bk 3 out loud to Liam, at his request.  I feel so bad for them all having to listen to me read out loud. And I do mean loud.  After too many years of taking theater classes, I project really well now. You could definitely pick up my voice at the back of a crowded theater.  Yikes!  I'm so grateful we've been able to finish reading the book here.    

February 24, 2021 (again)

I was just pulled outside Liam's room by the hospital intensivist. No matter what they do with his vent he is not getting better.  They've had to up the amount of oxygen he is getting from the machine.  Normally we breathe 20% oxygen on our own Liam was on 30% when we first got here but now he is at 40% & his CO2 levels started going down but they're climbing back up again. He's getting weaker & tonight she talked to me & to PD(via phone call) about the possibility of tough decisions in the near future because Liam's blood pressure is struggling to stay up & she's worried his heart will not make it through the night.  They're putting him on blood pressure meds as well & hopefully, that helps but they need to know what to do in case it doesn't.  I couldn't say the words. Even though I am the medical power of attorney.  I couldn't say that Liam didn't want to be kept on artificial life support.  PD said his quality of life is more important than his quantity & I agreed & then we both said together if it comes down to it that Liam didn't want machines. When the nurse asked me if he should get a DNR band put on his arm I said yes. My heart is breaking! I can't do this. Please let him get better. Please let the Dr. be wrong. Please don't take my baby. God, I am begging you please don't take him from me. The nurses held me while I sobbed in the hallway.  I AM NOT READY!!!!!

February 25, 2021

The following is from my posts to both Instagram & Facebook.

This morning we were informed that the hospital has done everything they can for Liam. His lungs are just too weak. When I took over his medical Power of Attorney when he turned 18, we sat down w Liam & the children's hospital social worker & talked about his wants & needs & what to do at this point in his life & fight with A-T. He was adamant he not be kept alive by machines & wanted a DNR in his file. Today we've made the heartbreaking, extraordinarily painful decision to honor Liam's wishes & let him go. Tonight after the family gets here we'll be saying goodbye to our sweet beautiful boy. Allowing him to escape the pain & fight he's endured for such a long time. He'll be A-T-free & home in heaven. We ask that no flowers be sent instead please donate to the A-T Children's Project to help find a cure so that no other families have to endure this same heartbreak. atcp.org Thank you -Jess

The hospital administrator came & said due to COVID-19 they don't allow more than one visitor at a time but due to our extenuating circumstances, they were going to allow PD the kids, Grandma Connie & our Bishop in tonight. I was also informed that if I wanted to have one person with me today throughout the day that I could.  I texted LeShel right away.  She was there less than 15 minutes later. I also texted Liam's para from Wilmot Mrs. H. She was in the middle of a field trip with the special needs kids & paras etc to Culvers.  She showed the special needs teacher in charge & he said for her to go. She drove one of the vans back to school, clocked out, & headed straight to the hospital.  I called the school & asked for McKenna & Nolan's counselor but it was lunchtime & I couldn't get a hold of her & I didn't want to leave a message so I asked if Jessica J was in the office, I know & love her a lot, the secretary acted as though I was weird, the whole thing was, she was not wrong.  Jessica & her happy cheerful voice full of excitement came on the phone happy to talk to me as is her way. I felt awful having to pass on the news that Liam would be taken off machines & let go today but I had no choice.  This is not a voice mail kind of thing to pass along.  I stuttered & stumbled & cried through it all. Jessica was crying by the time I hung up & could barely get words out to let me know she would let the counselor know. I cannot thank her or apologize enough for taking that incredibly painful call.  LeShel held me every time I burst into tears or sobs again & again. And when she wasn't hugging me, she held my hand or kept her hand on my knee knowing I needed an anchor to keep going. 

My family arrived around 5 & shortly after that our friends the P family & our Bishop arrived.  My sister had arranged a Zoom call so any & all family members who wished to be could be there before we turned off the machines to say goodbye.  We turned off the machines at 7:30pm.  He kept on breathing throughout the night but was kept in a medically induced coma to keep him unaware & without any kind of pain as his body slowly gave up the fight.  LeShel took Connie, McKenna, & Nolan home around 9 (I think?).  PD & I stayed with Liam all night long.  I sat/nodded off & on in a chair next to his bed holding his hand all night long.  

February 26th, 2021

By morning, you could tell it was coming, he was gasping, what's called agonal breathing, meaning he was only breathing because his brain stem told him to take a breath.  But his color was fading to gray & his blood pressure & heart rate were slowing down.  At 10:45 am he took his last breath & everything stopped.  He was gone. The look of emptiness covered him as it did with my mom 28 years ago. How I HATE that look!!!  With every fiber of my being, I hate that look!  It is as traumatizing at 45 as it was at 17.  PD & I embraced sobbing & then I turned & hugged my Liam & kissed his forehead & thanked him for giving me so much joy, so much love, so much happiness, for picking me to be his mom.  I told him how proud of him I was, how much I love him & that I would miss him but see him again very soon & give grandma Susan (my mom) a hug for me. PD had his own words to say while I thanked the nurses & staff for their support & love while caring for Liam.  Then we left.  I drove us home because I couldn't be on my phone telling everyone he was gone.  I didn't want to answer texts, emails, FB, or IG messages. I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl into a hole & leave the earth with Liam.  But I knew that wasn't possible. That it was grief I was feeling. And having been through it before I knew it would soften, if not pass, & in the meantime, I have 3 more kids to take care of & my husband. 

I took a shower once I got home, leaving a trail of clothes & tears behind as I got in the shower. PD unpacked the car for me with Nolan's help. After I took a shower, he took one too. I put on my PJs & crawled into my bed with Liam's blanket. LeShel & Kjel stopped by to check on us & to bring Connie some Aloe Vera Juice for her ulcers. LeShel climbed into bed with me & cuddled & made me laugh & then Becky's box of sunshine, full of yellow things & treats, arrived & made us all giggle. After they left I cleared off the bed & both PD & I fell asleep. I don't know how long he slept for but when I woke up around 6 pm to go to the bathroom he was no longer in there. I cried myself back to sleep. I woke up again around 3 or 4am, went to the bathroom & then PD help me while I cried myself to sleep again.

February 27, 2021

This morning he woke me up around 9. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted to stay there & do nothing.  He wouldn't allow me to, he said he knew the idea of getting up & doing things sounded impossible & cruel but things had to be done & that I have 2 kids waiting to see me.  That worked.  McKenna went with us to get those big prints from our family photos framed & pick up more frames for the smaller pictures. Then we went home & ate lunch & PD & I went to the funeral home to finish signing the paperwork & paying for Liam's funeral.  Then we came home & I put back on my PJs & crawled back into bed.  

Mar 2, 2021

Liam's obituary has been posted to FB & IG. Today sucks! I hate this day! I realized today that I was doing this exact same thing at this time last year, for my dad.  This whole fucking year has sucked big time & I HATE IT! Today it looks as though I am going to be ANGRY. I don't even care that I used a really bad word in this entry of my journal.  

Mar 4, 2021

Today a package arrived from LeShel. We didn't see that it was from her at first.  I was dusting my room when PD brought it in, I had been crying off & on all day today. It was a bad day. We opened the package & a 12X12 wooden craft sign with "I love you" fingers were on it. We both burst into tears. Grabbed onto each other & just sobbed as that was Liam's last real message to us was his I love you fingers.  It was a beautiful gift but the first thing out of PD's mouth, as he was crying, was "What jerk sent that?!?!" TO which I replied with, "I DON't KNOW!!!"  He went & grabbed tissues & then got some air by going to the mailbox to get more sympathy cards. While he was gone I grabbed the empty box to see if there was a note or card I had missed & found a note that said, "A gift for you - enjoy" LeShel. We also got another box of sunshine from Kim today. It was stuffed, like Becky's, full of yellow things. Treats, bath stuff, toys etc... The kids loved it! & it made us all laugh. 

Mar 4, 2021 (again)

My niece Shannon came today from Utah. I am grateful she is here. She will bring me more hugs & love & right now I need that but I don't want it from just anyone. I want it from those closest to me, like family & close friends. She didn't get here until 10-11 tonight & then we stayed up visiting until after Midnight. I'm glad she is here. 

Mar 5, 2021

Becky flew in today. She'll be here in a little while. More love from my closest. Still holding it together, just barely. I'm going to need it.  Tomorrow is Liam's funeral. 

Mar 6, 2021

Today we eulogized our son. It was a beautiful service. People came in-person & watched via Zoom.  Blake flew in to spend the night to support PD. A funeral during a pandemic is a strange experience. Added to that I've never done a funeral without a coffin & a visitation. But Liam wanted to be cremated. He didn't want to be in that body anymore. And he spent most of his life being stared at, so he didn't want a viewing or for people to stare at him anymore.  We both understood his feelings & honored them. Plus with him in an urn, I was able to carry my baby again today. It's not the same but it was oddly comforting to hold him in my arms again. I miss him so much. I sobbed in the shower last night & begged God to make this all be a bad dream. That I would get to wake up & not go to a funeral for Liam. It didn't work. I'm still stuck in the nightmare. God help me.

Mar 8, 2021

Now what? I've got to get my kids caught up on school, & face life without Liam in it. How do I do that? 

Mar 10, 2021

Today PD & I have been married for 26years. How does one celebrate an anniversary 4 days after one had a funeral for one's 19-year old son? We did nothing. We put on PJs & climbed into our bed, & watched our favorite movie when we were dating, So I Married an Axe Murderer.  That's it, then we went to sleep. 

Mar 14, 2021 

We gave away his medical equipment today. For the most part, I was fine with this process. Until it was time to load his powerchair into the van & deliver it to the place we chose for donation. That chair was such a  part of him. It gave him his freedom & autonomy from a body that fought him at every turn.  He zoomed all over the place in that chair. It had his name embroidered in bright green thread on the seatback.  I hugged it from behind like I did when he was in the chair & whispered in my head how much I missed him & that I knew he'd want it to go to another child to give them the same freedom & joy it had given him but that I would miss it so much. Then I cried. PD dropped it off & sat in the parking lot & cried.

To all of you reading this I thank you. Throughout all of this members of the church brought us dinners every night for more than a week.  Friends & family send me texts, asking how I'm doing. I don't know how to reply without making them worried I'm too depressed.  But I am depressed. Not suicidal guys. Just sad. Very very sad. I miss him. I still sleep with his blanket & I worry what will I do when his smell is gone? I'm blaming myself every day that I had to have done something wrong or many things wrong.  That I made the wrong decisions. That if I could just go back or what if... I get panicky & breathless when I think if I had just done ... maybe he'd still be here. Maybe, what if, if only! These words haunt my thoughts every day all day long.  

Please stop asking what we need or want. The only thing I need or want is Liam back & you can't give me that. I know you mean you want to help take care of my/our material needs but I can get my own material needs taken care of. I'm fine. Material things don't make the pain go away. They don't make the ache stop or the tears dry up. Only time can do this. So all I need is time. It's one breath at a time. One moment at a time. Some days I am fine & get through with little to no crying. Other days I spend all day trying to stop the tears from coming. & wonder how the hell can I live in a world where Liam doesn't??? Shower crying is a fairly regular thing. PD has moments much like mine. He'll be fine & then he won't. I won't lie this whole process sucks. What do I do with myself now? I've spent the better part of the last 15 years taking care of Liam. At night I'm used to spending an hour helping him get through breathing treatments, & getting ready for bed. Same for the morning. I'm still not sleeping all the way through the night. I keep hearing his feeding pump alarm going off in my dreams & I get up thinking I need to go in his room & either untangle him from his tubing or switch his formula for water. Every morning I get up it hits me all over again that he is gone. The pain is real & visceral.  But I'm dealing as best as I can right now. I can do this, not because I'm strong but because I really don't have any other choice, people in this house depend on me to do this. And to help them do this too. I'm not really ready to go out & people yet. Other than required errands like groceries etc...I don't like leaving the house yet. I'll get there but for right now I am still in hibernation for protection mode. I'm grateful for all of you & I love you for worrying & loving me especially right now. 

Jes